Introduction of Sorts
My name is Melanie Cantu. My husband's (soon to be ex husband) name is Alex. In November 2014, after 37 years of marriage, I had an experience that would set my life on end. It also set me on the path of clarity.
This being my first post I want to give you a little insight into who I am and why I am even doing this blog. My goal is to share my journey of healing. The hard, confusing, frustrating, as well as the clarity that comes to anyone who has survived an abusive relationship.
My husband is a narcissist. It took me decades to see this. In 2014 there wasn't a lot of info out there about narcisstic abuse or even about narcissist personality disorder. Heck, when my life started crumbling I didn't even know how to search for all that was happening and all I was feeling.
I knew my marriage had always been unbalanced. Everything revolved around my husband and keeping the peace by keeping him feeling important and appreciated. As bad as this sounds, it also seemed ok too. I'm a Christian and old fashioned and traditional. I was then and still am now.
When I say this seemed ok I mean that I had no problem putting Alex ahead of myself. I thought this is what a good wife does. Putting your partner ahead of yourself IS what we should do......to an extent. That's suppose to be a two way road. Give and take. Your partner is suppose to put you ahead of themselves also. That didn't happen in my marriage. I made one excuse after another and made on exception after another for the entire marriage.......until November 2014 when I found my voice. Weak, small, fear filled voice. Thanks to God and my daughter shanon.
Of coarse the beginning of my marriage and the middle wasn't at all like the ending years of my marriage. Little by little I had slowly stopped existing. To be fair I had willingly gone along with the unbalanced dysfunctional relationship. Meaning I thought I understood Alex. I believed him when he said he loved me and when he said he was sorry. I believed him when we talked about our plans and we appeared to be on the same page. I believed what he said and became blind to his actions. I really thought he "needed" me. I really believed that if I loved and understood and forgave then he would love me back the same way. After all that's what he kept telling me. Throwing it up to me really.
He would say......
You just don't really love me.
Your just mean.
You don't show me enough love.
You don't try hard enough.
You don't dress sexy enough.
You don't act sexy enough.
You don't appreciate me enough.
You don't respect me.
Your so hard hearted.
Yeah, and so I'd dance a little faster and try a little harder and it would start all over again. Him doing whatever he wanted and me being forgiving and understanding trying to prove I love him and "earn" his approval.
As the years went on, the boundaries are pushed farther and farther. At first it's just him cussing and me being uncomfortable with it. Then it's bullying me into dressing in revealing cloths. He tried many times to get me to go in public like that.....nope never happened.
I'm not going to pick apart everything that happened through out the years. I'm not going to name names of others who were involved in our marriage. The bottom line is, my marriage was to Alex and he was the one who abused and lied his way through the marriage. This is about healing from this relationship. I hope through my sharing of realization and clarity someone else sees more clearly.
This being my first post I want to give you a little insight into who I am and why I am even doing this blog. My goal is to share my journey of healing. The hard, confusing, frustrating, as well as the clarity that comes to anyone who has survived an abusive relationship.
My husband is a narcissist. It took me decades to see this. In 2014 there wasn't a lot of info out there about narcisstic abuse or even about narcissist personality disorder. Heck, when my life started crumbling I didn't even know how to search for all that was happening and all I was feeling.
I knew my marriage had always been unbalanced. Everything revolved around my husband and keeping the peace by keeping him feeling important and appreciated. As bad as this sounds, it also seemed ok too. I'm a Christian and old fashioned and traditional. I was then and still am now.
When I say this seemed ok I mean that I had no problem putting Alex ahead of myself. I thought this is what a good wife does. Putting your partner ahead of yourself IS what we should do......to an extent. That's suppose to be a two way road. Give and take. Your partner is suppose to put you ahead of themselves also. That didn't happen in my marriage. I made one excuse after another and made on exception after another for the entire marriage.......until November 2014 when I found my voice. Weak, small, fear filled voice. Thanks to God and my daughter shanon.
Of coarse the beginning of my marriage and the middle wasn't at all like the ending years of my marriage. Little by little I had slowly stopped existing. To be fair I had willingly gone along with the unbalanced dysfunctional relationship. Meaning I thought I understood Alex. I believed him when he said he loved me and when he said he was sorry. I believed him when we talked about our plans and we appeared to be on the same page. I believed what he said and became blind to his actions. I really thought he "needed" me. I really believed that if I loved and understood and forgave then he would love me back the same way. After all that's what he kept telling me. Throwing it up to me really.
He would say......
You just don't really love me.
Your just mean.
You don't show me enough love.
You don't try hard enough.
You don't dress sexy enough.
You don't act sexy enough.
You don't appreciate me enough.
You don't respect me.
Your so hard hearted.
Yeah, and so I'd dance a little faster and try a little harder and it would start all over again. Him doing whatever he wanted and me being forgiving and understanding trying to prove I love him and "earn" his approval.
As the years went on, the boundaries are pushed farther and farther. At first it's just him cussing and me being uncomfortable with it. Then it's bullying me into dressing in revealing cloths. He tried many times to get me to go in public like that.....nope never happened.
I'm not going to pick apart everything that happened through out the years. I'm not going to name names of others who were involved in our marriage. The bottom line is, my marriage was to Alex and he was the one who abused and lied his way through the marriage. This is about healing from this relationship. I hope through my sharing of realization and clarity someone else sees more clearly.
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